Ask Cal

Introducing a new segment to you today… have you been wondering lately why your legs are whiter than your arms? Or why Pluto is no longer a planet?

VCE SS ‘08’s enigmatic and eccentric, Cal, answers your questions about life, the universe and everything! Over to you Cal.

Dear Cal, How do I defeat Shane at Uno? ~ Defeated

Dear Defeated, If, like the rest of us sane (and unscrupulous) people, you lack the patience to master the ancient art of card counting, try other simpler methods of cheating such as shouting; “look, it's a three-headed monkey”, and slipping cards onto the bottom of the deck when everybody looks the other way. Good luck! Cal

Dear Cal, Why isn't the rest of level 2 Air-conditioned?!?! ~ Hot and Flustered

Dear Hot and Flustered, It is. Unfortunately the kids in George Paton get lonely, and turned it down, in a devious scheme to lure people into their den of card games and other cardinal sins! Also, Tom and I are rampant exotherms! (hooray for chemistry jokes!) Peace and love, Cal.

I super hungry, but super poor... any suggestions? ~ Mal Nutrition.

Dear Mal, I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. My number one tip (as self proclaimed Italian with a love for cooking) is pasta. Boil some the night before, al dente, with a little olive oil and salt. Then add pesto, cold potatoes and buffalo mozzarella. Garnish with baby spinach leaves. This makes a a wonderful, cheap lunch! If you'd prefer to buy food, Thresherman's Bakehouse on Faraday St. (see any of the tutors for directions) is excellent, close, and reasonably priced. Buon Appetito! Cal.

Send your questions to carlo.allietti at gmail dot com, or post them in the convenient box in GPG. Those questions not published will be shown on The Zine blogspot.

Tomorrow: Cal answers all your questions with lyrics from songs!

More of Cal's answers:

Dear Cal, Why can't I write in a straight line? ~ Linear-Challenged

Dear Linear-Challenged,
Unfortunately it sounds as if you, also, suffer from rare condition called Apoxyinventedisitis. This commonly afflicts children aged 4-6, although my year 11 English teacher once suggested I had relapses in times of stress. I wouldn't worry too much about, just drink lots of chamomile tea and breath deeply!

Cal, I
Dear Frizzy,
Firstly, thank you for your flattering words! I must admit hair-care is a struggle sometimes, but very rewarding. Kind of like having a child... who doesn't spend your money like its going out of fashion, and agrees heartily with everything you say.
The routine is:
- Let hair get warm and wet.
- Shampoo once, thoroughly, making sure to massage the scalp, and rinse well.
- Condition, running my hands through my hair like a comb, ensuring that every follicle gets some TLC.
- Then, if hair is still lacking that perfect sleekness, do another quick condition. I hope that helps. Love, and best of luck conditioning, Cal.

Dear Cal, Where do lost socks go?​

Dear Barefoot Try the lost property box in George Paton Gallery! Cheers, Cal.

Dear Cal, What is the best place on campus to get naked and cool down on thurs/friday?

Dear Eccentric,
Commonly held wisdom is that the best place to get naked on a Friday (but never on a Thursday!) on campus is South Lawn. It becomes a regular nudist colony during semester!* The best place to get cool is definitely George Paton, but maybe keep your clothes on!!!

Love, and peace, Cal.
*Disclaimer: The author accepts no responsibility if you enrol at Melbourne University expecting a Nudist colony on Fridays at South Lawn...

Dear Callum, Are you single? Please answer!!

Yours truly, ~ Annonymous.

Dear Annonymous,

If you are not my girlfriend, yes! Eira, if you are somehow reading this, I'm just kidding sweetpea... But seriously, I'm very flattered.

Much love, Cal.

Why don't you sing more? We miss your voice!

~ Callum Fan Club Member #6

Dear Fan Club Member #6,

I shall endeavour to stretch my vocal chords more. See you al CalCon '08!

Peace and love,

Cal.

Dear Cal,

What is life?

Dear Soul-Searching,

42.

Love and Kisses,

Zaphod...

err, I mean, Cal.

Dear Cal,

Will you go out with me?

<3,

Random Tutor.

Dear Random Tutor,

I'd love to, I'll pick you up at your place, 8pm, the Monday after Summer School finishes!

Luv,

Cal.

Dear Callum,

Who is your favourite charater in Family Guy?

Your ardent admirer,

Annon.

Dear Annonymous,

Brian rocks my world!

Cal ~ “Who's leg do you have to hump around here to get a dry Martini?”

Dear Cal,

What nationality are you? How many languages do you speak?

~ Culture Hungry.

Dear Culture Hungry,

I speak English, and Italian reasonably well, but by no means fluently (which my Italian class will attest to!). Funnily enough I am a quarter Italian. My family, the Alliettis, live in the small village of Livo, in Lombardia, and are all tall, bronzed and handsome. The rest of my heritage is weedy, blindingly-white Scottish and English. Unfortunately, my Italian genes didn't really put up much of a fight...

Pace (Italian for peace, not a misspelling),

Cal.